Thoughts on Marriage - The Screwtape Letters: XVIII

In The Screwtape Letters, by C.S. Lewis, specifically in letter XVIII, Screwtape describes how they have undermined the institution of marriage:

We have done this through the poets and novelists by persuading the humans that a curious, and usually short-lived, experience which they call "being in love" is the only respectable ground for marriage; that marriage can, and ought to, render this excitement permanent; and that a marriage which does not do so is no longer binding.

And later:

... thanks to us, the idea of marrying with any other motive [than being in love] seems to them low and cynical. Yes, they think that. They regard the intention of loyalty to a partnership for mutual help, for the preservation of chastity, and for the transmission of life, as something lower than a storm of emotion.

I have rejected many (many being highly relative) people that are good matches on paper simply because I didn't feel that spark. Having felt that spark - sometimes incredibly intensely, I really do feel that is the way it should be. I want to marry someone whose presence is all I desire. I want my first thought upon seeing her to be "I want to hold her hand." I think the key is the second half of the first quote: "...marriage can, and ought to, render this excitement permanent; and that a marriage which does not do so is no longer binding." That attitude is a major problem for the institution of marriage. It's not reasonable to expect a feeling to last, unchanged, forever. Still, I think marriage should definitely start with that excitement.

On the other hand, I understand the pressure to find someone so as to not be alone, or because your biological clock is ticking, or both, or other. There are also plenty of stories of arranged marriages resulting in two people loving each other very much. In short, it does not appear that that excitement is necessary for a successful, happy marriage. "[T]he intention of loyalty to a partnership for mutual help, for the preservation of chastity, and for the transmission of life" might really be a sound basis for marriage. I think that feeling of being completely in love might be necessary for me, though.

It really boils down to whether or not I feel like I'm settling, I think. Having felt that intense love, would it ever be OK for me to marry someone I simply love? Having dated someone, would it be fair to either me or another person if I married someone I didn't think was quite as spectacular? Having merely known someone I can find no fault in, have I limited myself to the 0.00001% of the population I find absolutely perfect? Or do I just find these people perfect because I'm already in love?

I think I only have more questions left, so I will open this up for discussion. Do you think love is necessary before marriage, or do you trust that it will develop? How intensely should love be felt at various stages in the relationship? When do you move your standards up or down when single? I've been assuming so far that monogamous marriage is the goal because it's my goal, but feel free to discuss alternatives to traditional marriage, too.

Favorite Time of the Month

I look forward to the beginning of the month. It's a very special time for me. My mortgage payment goes out at the beginning of the month. This prompts me to... wait for it... update my spreadsheet!

My budget spreadsheet is the first I created with multiple worksheets. It has nine (one of which goes unused, and the other just has information used in calculations on other sheets)! I've always been a long-term thinking/planner. While I like the idea of tracking things monthly, like Jonathon does over at MyMoneyBlog, I think I'm content with updating things monthly but tracking things on a yearly basis. You can look at my spreadsheet as a long term planning item, and Mint.com as my monthly tracking place. Alternatively, you can look at Mint.com as my monthly history, and my spreadsheet as my yearly outlook. It's really not much of a budget, I guess.

Recently, I haven't been using much of the spreadsheet besides the Retirement Planning tab. (I may have to look at what this says about my current job satisfaction at a later time.) This tab isn't so much of a plan of how to get to retirement - my 401(k), Roth IRA, other savings, and house are my retirement plan already being taken care of. The Retirement Planning tab lets me know when I can retire and live forever off of my accrued savings. I compute the live forever part of that by determining if the growth of my investments will outpace inflation.

By my current assumptions of 3% inflation, 7% retirement portfolio return, and $70,000 (in 2006 dollars) yearly withdrawals, I can retire permanently at age 56. Now, $70,000 seems like a ridiculously large amount of money to spend in a year, to me. However, I would like to have a wife, and I don't want to underestimate those associated expenses... Seriously, though, that should allow for most travel plans I can think of, charitable giving, and regular living expenses, with hopefully enough left over to handle unexpected expenses, or temporary-ish ones like college costs for children.

Even though I don't use most of the parts that I programmed into it, updating the spreadsheet is still a very fun activity. Very few things are better than a large table of numbers.

---

This was supposed to be posted nearer to the beginning of the month, but my main computer was having issues. Chkdsk seems to have sorted them out, though. It took a few hours, but it completed. I was fooled a few times by long periods of no screen updates and the keyboard not working. That is, I restarted the process more times than necessary, I think. For future reference, the Num Lock and Caps Lock keys don't work when chkdsk is running, and it's apparently normal for some operations to take an hour without updating the screen.

3 Years at IBM

July 10th marked my three-year anniversary at IBM. I happened to take the day off, but that was just a coincidence. I have to say, I don't feel a whole lot different. While I purchased a home, got cats, and gained other adult responsibilities/experiences, I can't point to any real personal growth. I guess that gives me a goal for the next three years.

Financial Woes

I was having a conversation with a friend this afternoon about how money appears to be tight for the next few months. I mentioned how I have to figure out how to make mortgage payments, pay property taxes and regular income taxes, make an IRA contribution, continue to make contributions to my 401(k), renew homeowners and car insurance, and continue to make all my utility payments and the like.

My huge spreadsheet indicates I'll have a surplus of about $2000 this year. But if that surplus is accumulated throughout the year (or mostly in the second half of the year, like in 2007), I could be in trouble in the first half. On a side note, my spreadsheet also indicates I severely missed my goal of 8% net worth growth last year. I have a 0.76% growth rate for 2007 (dismal), but that does include mortgage closing costs and some unrealized losses in my E*TRADE account.

Anyway, at the very end of the conversation, I remembered that my maximum house price was determined based on being able to afford it even without renters, that I don't have to max out my 401(k) every year, and that I have a large reserve of capital currently invested in mutual funds and the like. In other words, money is only tight because I save so much and I have a lot of cushioning built into my budget if I need it. I need to be reminded every once in awhile that I really don't have much to complain about, financially.