On Friday, July 10, my dad and I embarked on a trip to Iowa. It was advertised as a tour of a research lab. I feel like I just bought a Snuggie (I've never owned a Snuggie or similar product, so I apologize to the makers of Snuggie or Snuggie owners if they are actually worth purchasing - they just look stupid to me).
The research lab turned out to be a cluttered garage. The owner, Hans, turned out to be a complete nutball. Between paranoid statements about the CIA, NSA, aliens, and/or shady business partners, he showed us a number of "inventions."
His anti-gravity device was in no way an anti-gravity device. It was simply a device that had 3 cams arranged such that one was pointing down, and two were pointing up. Why all three weren't oriented in the same direction was something that really didn't strike me as important. So, when run by a motor, it would shift it's center of gravity in a circular pattern. This could indeed cause a scale to register a lower weight as it shakes, but it is not an anti-gravity device. Hans said he built a larger version and mounted it to a truck. He said the owner was floored when he turned it on and the truck flipped over. First, the guy's truck just flipped over, so being floored is a perfectly understandable reaction. Second, this is a completely expected occurrence when you throw weight around in a circular pattern. It's going to want to shift things.
Amazingly enough, Hans' "gravity engine" was not a gravity engine, and did not produce free energy. It was basically a less plausible version of this old perpetual motion design. He had another engine that used a cam to alter the polarity of an electromagnet, which would in turn drive the engine for another cycle. This is another common idea among perpetual motion tinkerers, but is not "free energy."
He had several sizes of a heater that he claimed was 300-450% efficient. His explanation of how it worked involved spinning magnets, which somehow resonate, which creates a vortex, which results in some particle (I didn't catch the name - possibly made up) shifting between dimensions. First, if it's a resonance thing, the rotational speed would matter a lot. I would expect it to be efficient only at a few speeds (the resonant frequency and perhaps the harmonics). Second, I am guessing that he made some errors in his calculation of the efficiency, such as using Fahrenheit instead of Celsius, or made some incorrect assumptions about the air flow. Or maybe both. Third, I don't think he has any evidence of particles jumping dimensions.
Perhaps he used the same device that he used to track the burnt out star that is hurtling our way and will end life as we know it on October 28, 2011, right when the Mayan calendar predicts, once you adjust for the different day length a few thousand years ago. The device in question? It's a loop of wire connected to what looked like an inductor and an LED. Whatever it was detecting, it was local.
He also had a "machine" that read in some signal or other from whatever object you put in it. The claim was that you could read a person, figure out what was wrong from the frequency information, then output an inverse signal into some water and it would cure you of everything. You could also output the frequency of solar radiation (as downloaded from a NASA site in WAV format) into distilled water and turn cheap whiskey into expensive whiskey by adding a few drops. Does anyone know if cheap whiskey gets smoother when you add a bit of regular distilled water? What else can you do with this amazing item? Why, you can scan a sample of mold, then output it to a *picture* of the house of your enemy, and that house will grow lots of mold. I remain unconvinced.
He also invented a laser harp, which happened to also have been invented in 1981 by someone else. He didn't provide a date for his invention, so I suppose it could have been before that. I highly doubt it, though - where would he have found the time with all his CIA and Area 51 work? Either way, the laser harp was actually somewhat neat.
Ah, but life isn't about the destination, it's about the journey! Well, the journeying in Iowa sucks. A lot. The drive out wasn't too bad, actually. I was operating on only two hours of sleep and kept dozing off in the passenger seat. We had Subway for lunch in Grinnell, then went straight on to Hans' place. We stayed in a hotel in that same town and ate dinner at... Subway again. But, Subway is decent food, and I generally have no problem eating the same thing for every meal for a few days.
Driving home on Sunday turned out to be challenging. We were supposed to stop by another guy's house for lunch and a tour of his warehouse - not exactly sure why, but lunch is lunch. He said it was only a few minutes out of the way, and I had forgotten that Iowa has its own space-time, so we agreed to go. It ended up being over an hour out of the way, which meant it was also another hour coming back. Or, it would have been an hour out of the way, but we were in Iowa.
We stopped in Jesup, IA, "The Right Place", for gas. The road between the highway and the gas station was closed, so we tried to go through town. The town was roped off, though, due to a combine/tractor parade. We decided to ask a local how to get over to the gas station, but that ended up being counterproductive. She apparently never learned to speak English, or navigate her hometown, in her 40+ years of life. From the few words I could pick out, her directions were basically trial and error: "I'd try going that way, then that way, and somehow I'd figure it out." 5 minutes wasted.
The parking lot next to the road under construction looked like it might have cut through, so we decided to head back that way. In fact, it would have cut through had there not been cars parked in the aisles. The parking lot in question is further from the parade than any other part of the town. I really don't know why people were parked there. The owner of the used car dealership assured us that there was a street open, so we headed back over towards the parade.
After a couple of trials and errors, we did find a street that was mostly open, except for pedestrians standing around near their lawn chairs. We turned on our signal, however, and they started moving out of the way. We were almost past them when a police officer ran out from behind a truck on the street we were turning on to and screamed for us to go back. We tried to explain that we just wanted to get gas, but he would hear none of it until we backed up. So, we backed up. We started to explain again, but he wanted us to back up some more. We backed up some more. "10 or 15 more feet!" We backed up 10 or 15 more feet.
He explained that he couldn't have us going through there because there were people not paying attention, and that as soon as the parade cleared out (it was stationary), he would let us through. Never mind the fact that the people were paying attention and had already moved out of the way, or the fact that backing up in a somewhat large vehicle is far more dangerous than going forward. After a few minutes, the parade hadn't moved, but he waved us through. Iowa has its own logic.
Tractor parades are apparently common, as we hit another one a little bit later. It was progressing slowly on the highway - a prime candidate for some passing. We encountered the tractors traveling over what must be the only hills in Iowa, and the double yellow line taunted us off and on for miles. Once we got past these tractors, we were almost at our lunch destination.
Lunch was fairly good, actually. Traditional country cooking, even when there aren't enough green beans or corn to go around, is always welcome. The warehouse was pretty empty, and there wasn't a whole lot of point to the tour. However, it was still a worthwhile side trip. I got to hear a funny comment when the father was talking about when he first suspected his pregnant daughter was having sex. Her brother said, "You didn't suspect them when he started having a stupid grin on his face?" He replied, "I just thought he bought a new gun." Definitely made the trip worth it.
The ride back from there was very uneventful. His house was fairly close to I-35, so we avoided any other tractors or wrong places. We stopped near Lamoni, IA for dinner and had more country-style cooking - this time a buffet with plenty of green beans and corn. I'm really not sure why we did lunch and dinner so similarly both days. No real complaints, though.
A few minutes after dinner, we had passed out of Iowa and into Missouri, and I vowed to resist any future trips back to Iowa. Its space-time and associated logic are disorienting and frustrating. It is better left alone.
Showing posts with label travel. Show all posts
Showing posts with label travel. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Monday, June 2, 2008
Microsoft Tech-Ed: Monday June 2
I woke up at 4am in order to get cleaned, packed, and off to Orlando by 7am. I arrived at the gate as they called for final boarding - just in time! 2.5 hours later, I was in Orlando with a stiff neck. Despite the stiff neck, I still think Midwest might be my favorite airline to fly. Although...I'm not sure if I slept through the fresh-baked cookies, or if they don't serve them on early morning flights. I wanted cookies!
As long as I'm reviewing things, I might as well talk about Enterprise car rentals. So far, I've been fairly happy with my two rentals with them. The cars have been clean and functional, the staff has been courteous, and their shuttles to/from the airport have been frequent and pleasant. This week, I'm stuck in a Chevy Cobalt. I cannot give that a positive review. There is no way to lock/unlock all the doors at once. Even my powerless locks in the Altima could be unlocked with a double turn of the key. The window reel thing is also placed too near to part of the door, and so I scraped my hand at the TWO toll booths (in under 10 miles - inefficient!) I had to go through to get to my hotel. Perhaps most annoying, between the front seats is an empty space. There's no arm rest, and it's very unbalancing. The only positive thing about it is it's phenomenally small turning radius, which came in handy a few times, unfortunately.
I got to the hotel and checked in about noon, but my room wasn't ready. I caught the shuttle to the Orange County Convention Center (OCCC) and registered for Tech-Ed. It was a painless process, and they gave me a backpack with water bottle and a t-shirt. Free stuff! I'll have two carry-on pieces on the return flight, though, which I dislike. That's another good thing about Midwest: Their large seats reduce the number of people on the flight which leaves plenty of overhead bin space.
I still had 3 hours to kill, so I went to Subway. Based on that experience, I can't recommend Orlando Subways. It just didn't taste right. I then headed over to Wallgreen's to pick up fingernail clippers and a small tube of toothpaste. I still had a couple hours to kill, though. I went back to the hotel to look through the packet of stuff inside the backpack.
That was a boring 15 minutes finding out it was all stuff like MSDN Magazine, sample software from random companies, and a few advertisements. Perhaps if I worked more with Microsoft technologies as a developer, instead of as a partner, I'd be more excited about the sample packs of grid forms and whatnot. Still, I'm definitely looking forward to the conference stuff. It should be a lot of fun and hopefully a bit educational, too.
As long as I'm reviewing things, I might as well talk about Enterprise car rentals. So far, I've been fairly happy with my two rentals with them. The cars have been clean and functional, the staff has been courteous, and their shuttles to/from the airport have been frequent and pleasant. This week, I'm stuck in a Chevy Cobalt. I cannot give that a positive review. There is no way to lock/unlock all the doors at once. Even my powerless locks in the Altima could be unlocked with a double turn of the key. The window reel thing is also placed too near to part of the door, and so I scraped my hand at the TWO toll booths (in under 10 miles - inefficient!) I had to go through to get to my hotel. Perhaps most annoying, between the front seats is an empty space. There's no arm rest, and it's very unbalancing. The only positive thing about it is it's phenomenally small turning radius, which came in handy a few times, unfortunately.
I got to the hotel and checked in about noon, but my room wasn't ready. I caught the shuttle to the Orange County Convention Center (OCCC) and registered for Tech-Ed. It was a painless process, and they gave me a backpack with water bottle and a t-shirt. Free stuff! I'll have two carry-on pieces on the return flight, though, which I dislike. That's another good thing about Midwest: Their large seats reduce the number of people on the flight which leaves plenty of overhead bin space.
I still had 3 hours to kill, so I went to Subway. Based on that experience, I can't recommend Orlando Subways. It just didn't taste right. I then headed over to Wallgreen's to pick up fingernail clippers and a small tube of toothpaste. I still had a couple hours to kill, though. I went back to the hotel to look through the packet of stuff inside the backpack.
That was a boring 15 minutes finding out it was all stuff like MSDN Magazine, sample software from random companies, and a few advertisements. Perhaps if I worked more with Microsoft technologies as a developer, instead of as a partner, I'd be more excited about the sample packs of grid forms and whatnot. Still, I'm definitely looking forward to the conference stuff. It should be a lot of fun and hopefully a bit educational, too.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Seattle - Microsoft trip
On Sunday, March 16, I left for Seattle on business. It was a thoroughly enjoyable trip. You want to hear more? Oh, OK.
Flight out
I was a bit nervous about the flight out because my dad made a comment over the phone about having the option of crashing the plane and collecting on my insurance if my brother were to get in financial trouble. I figured the NSA flagged the conversation and would have me put on the no-fly list. Well, I got on the plane just fine, it turns out, and had a lovely 4 hours crammed between two random guys. I got my rental car without any problems, but did have to search for the hotel a bit (the sign from the road is tiny, so I drove right past it the first time).
The hotel
I don't have very high standards when it comes to comforts and amenities. I admit that the hotel didn't have anything to wow guests, but the bed was of the new comfort-top variety, the sheets were soft (as opposed to being heavily starched), and everything else worked as it should. The free continental breakfast was above average and I enjoyed the OJ immensely.
The best part had to be my noisy neighbors, though. They kept me up on Monday night, but they were entertaining for a few 15-minute periods. I think they spoke Spanish, as I recognized a few words, but they seemed to speak English quite a bit, too, such as: "But I was almost there!"
Microsoft food
In addition to the free continental breakfast provided by the hotel, Microsoft also included a virtually unlimited supply of food during the three days of work. They had breakfast items, midmorning snacks, a full lunch, and afternoon snacks available each day. Plus, there was another kitchen with a freezer full of ice cream treats, and both areas had various beverage options. Monday's lunch was salmon, followed by sloppy Joe's on Tuesday, and deli sandwiches on Wednesday. I had a few muffins, a glazed twist donut, a couple cookies, a couple cake-square cookies, a fudge brownie, a bag of Sun Chips, and probably a few other miscellaneous items I am forgetting. Basically, I was very happy in Building 20.
I went out with my architect for Monday's dinner, which was nice. We just went to Red Robin, but had good conversation and I was happy to meet him after a full 18 months of working with/for him. Tuesday, the Microsoft people took both of us to a nice Italian restaurant. It was rather expensive, in my opinion, but it did taste good. The conversation was excellent, again.
The trip wasn't just about food, though. In addition to being filling, my trip was actually productive. I just can't talk about that - it's top secret. I can say that everyone was very eager to help out. Every question we had prompted a new expert to appear in Building 20. The freezer full of ice cream was raided proportionately, according to my informal observations.
A close second to the food in terms of favorite Microsoft experiences was the accent of one of our primary contacts. She was from Ireland and so had an Irish accent (amazing how that works). I could listen to her talk all day. Thankfully, she had the pleasant habit of mumbling/humming to herself.
Seattle
I was able to meet up with my uncle on Wednesday evening. He picked me up from my hotel and gave me a tour of the city. I have to say, Seattle is simply a beautiful city. There was a lot of traffic, but the drivers all seemed very courteous. Everyone I talked to had a long list of potential activities, whereas Kansas City has enough to keep its population sane, but little more. Throughout my trip, I found myself thinking "I could live here," or "I could work here." There's still a lot keeping me in Kansas City, but if someone wanted to drag me out to live in Seattle, I wouldn't be terribly opposed to it.
I drove by/across various lakes/sounds/rivers/bodies of water, the space needle, the sports arenas, the first Starbucks, some house boats, places that my uncle has kayaked, and quite a few other things. We ended up in a parking garage and then walked to a mall. I was told by a trusted source that I had to eat at a World Wrapps, and so we did. It was quite good, and it was also nice to get to talk to my uncle as an adult (mostly).
Flight back
The flight back was much better than the flight out. First, I had an aisle seat, so I had a bit more room in which to sit. Second, a very attractive young woman sat in the middle seat and was interested in entertaining me, for some reason. I did not object, naturally - she gave me her Travel Snacks, after all. She also loaned me a book by David Sedaris. I read the first story only, but it was highly entertaining. I did my best to be funny and entertaining myself, but she had extra food, books, and magazines. I had a pen that she was able to use for Sudoku (in case she ever finds and reads this, the bottom left square of the upper right block is a 4 [of puzzle #4]), and offered the novel I had been reading, but that's much harder to pick up and read than a collection of short stories. I'm afraid I just didn't have a whole lot to offer in the way of boredom relief. Anyway, it was a pleasant flight, and trip, for me.
Flight out
I was a bit nervous about the flight out because my dad made a comment over the phone about having the option of crashing the plane and collecting on my insurance if my brother were to get in financial trouble. I figured the NSA flagged the conversation and would have me put on the no-fly list. Well, I got on the plane just fine, it turns out, and had a lovely 4 hours crammed between two random guys. I got my rental car without any problems, but did have to search for the hotel a bit (the sign from the road is tiny, so I drove right past it the first time).
The hotel
I don't have very high standards when it comes to comforts and amenities. I admit that the hotel didn't have anything to wow guests, but the bed was of the new comfort-top variety, the sheets were soft (as opposed to being heavily starched), and everything else worked as it should. The free continental breakfast was above average and I enjoyed the OJ immensely.
The best part had to be my noisy neighbors, though. They kept me up on Monday night, but they were entertaining for a few 15-minute periods. I think they spoke Spanish, as I recognized a few words, but they seemed to speak English quite a bit, too, such as: "But I was almost there!"
Microsoft food
In addition to the free continental breakfast provided by the hotel, Microsoft also included a virtually unlimited supply of food during the three days of work. They had breakfast items, midmorning snacks, a full lunch, and afternoon snacks available each day. Plus, there was another kitchen with a freezer full of ice cream treats, and both areas had various beverage options. Monday's lunch was salmon, followed by sloppy Joe's on Tuesday, and deli sandwiches on Wednesday. I had a few muffins, a glazed twist donut, a couple cookies, a couple cake-square cookies, a fudge brownie, a bag of Sun Chips, and probably a few other miscellaneous items I am forgetting. Basically, I was very happy in Building 20.
I went out with my architect for Monday's dinner, which was nice. We just went to Red Robin, but had good conversation and I was happy to meet him after a full 18 months of working with/for him. Tuesday, the Microsoft people took both of us to a nice Italian restaurant. It was rather expensive, in my opinion, but it did taste good. The conversation was excellent, again.
The trip wasn't just about food, though. In addition to being filling, my trip was actually productive. I just can't talk about that - it's top secret. I can say that everyone was very eager to help out. Every question we had prompted a new expert to appear in Building 20. The freezer full of ice cream was raided proportionately, according to my informal observations.
A close second to the food in terms of favorite Microsoft experiences was the accent of one of our primary contacts. She was from Ireland and so had an Irish accent (amazing how that works). I could listen to her talk all day. Thankfully, she had the pleasant habit of mumbling/humming to herself.
Seattle
I was able to meet up with my uncle on Wednesday evening. He picked me up from my hotel and gave me a tour of the city. I have to say, Seattle is simply a beautiful city. There was a lot of traffic, but the drivers all seemed very courteous. Everyone I talked to had a long list of potential activities, whereas Kansas City has enough to keep its population sane, but little more. Throughout my trip, I found myself thinking "I could live here," or "I could work here." There's still a lot keeping me in Kansas City, but if someone wanted to drag me out to live in Seattle, I wouldn't be terribly opposed to it.
I drove by/across various lakes/sounds/rivers/bodies of water, the space needle, the sports arenas, the first Starbucks, some house boats, places that my uncle has kayaked, and quite a few other things. We ended up in a parking garage and then walked to a mall. I was told by a trusted source that I had to eat at a World Wrapps, and so we did. It was quite good, and it was also nice to get to talk to my uncle as an adult (mostly).
Flight back
The flight back was much better than the flight out. First, I had an aisle seat, so I had a bit more room in which to sit. Second, a very attractive young woman sat in the middle seat and was interested in entertaining me, for some reason. I did not object, naturally - she gave me her Travel Snacks, after all. She also loaned me a book by David Sedaris. I read the first story only, but it was highly entertaining. I did my best to be funny and entertaining myself, but she had extra food, books, and magazines. I had a pen that she was able to use for Sudoku (in case she ever finds and reads this, the bottom left square of the upper right block is a 4 [of puzzle #4]), and offered the novel I had been reading, but that's much harder to pick up and read than a collection of short stories. I'm afraid I just didn't have a whole lot to offer in the way of boredom relief. Anyway, it was a pleasant flight, and trip, for me.
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